I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize