At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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