Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
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Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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