Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
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This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
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Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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