Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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