Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
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