Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize