apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
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She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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