I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
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Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
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We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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