I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I touched a dick in church today
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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