I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
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I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
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I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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