Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
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I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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