He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
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This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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