my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
