Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
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ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
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You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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