As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
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And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
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You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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