The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
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Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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