My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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