M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
this is an emotional support booty call
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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