when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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