So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize