i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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