My liver just broke up with me...
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
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She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
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I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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