I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
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All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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