I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
someone threw a dead crab at me
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
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