if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
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Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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