After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
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Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
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OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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