im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
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I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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