I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
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He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
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Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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