I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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