Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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