How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
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I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
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So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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