Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
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what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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