last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
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you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
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WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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