He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize