saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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