I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
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his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
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You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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