We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
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I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
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He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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