omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
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Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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