I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
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I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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