It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
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isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
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i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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