I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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