Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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