i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
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your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
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Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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