hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My hand turned me down
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
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