i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
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I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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