i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
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I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
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Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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