She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
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Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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