my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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