Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize